| David Letterman interview transcript (June 18, 2003)
D: From where did you come?
J: Portugal and France.
D: How was the flight? Everything ok?
J: It was all right.
D: You have a cold though, I'm told.
J: Yes I do. You?
D: Yes, it's one of those week-long colds, and I thought it was getting better, but now the doctor says probably Labor day.
J: I have a 3-day cold.
D: 3-day cold? How do you know it's a 3-day cold? You've had it for 3-days?
J: 3 days, yeah. It might be a 4-day-cold, tomorrow.
D: When was the last time you had a cold?
J: It's been awhile.
D: No, this one will be with you at least two weeks, I predict.
J: Really? Will you wager on this?
D: Yeah I'll bet you on this. I'll bet you 20 bucks. You call me in 2 weeks and let me know if you're all right.
J: All right.
D: 20 dollars.
J: I'll do it.
D: By the way, this is how I make my real money.
J: I gotcha. This is how I lose my money.
D: But flying with a cold is just the worst, isn't it?
J: It's not great, yeah. I mean the pressur, yeah, the pressure. It was a private plane, and when we arrived, customs came on the plane, and for some reason you're always instantly kind of guilty, even if you're not guilty.
D: Well, you're nervous. Authority right there. Suddenly right there.
J: Yeah. And so this large man approached me and I said, you know, good afternon, sir -- (sniffs dramatically).
D: Uh-oh.
J: You know what I mean?
D: Yeah I do. Wow. Well then, what happened?
J: You notice I was walking funny when I came out?
D: I don't know what that means. What the hell's he talking about? When you were younger, you ever had any trouble like that, any kind of more serious sorts of problems like that going through immigration or customs?
J: I did have one very interesting experience in customs. I was flying from Lima, Peru to Miami. And when I arrived, the customs guy immediately went straight to me, of course, and asked me what I had in my bag. And I said, "Piranhas."
D: Piranhas?
J: Piranhas, yeah.
D: Did you actually have piranhas in your bag?
J: Oh yeah, I had a collection of shellacked piranhas.
D: Oh, that sounds beautiful.
J: They were nice. They were very nice, actually. And a bat, there was a vampire bat in there as well. Dead. And I remember I had some vitamin powder that had exploded, apparently, during the flight. And so the guy said, "What do you have," so I said, "Piranhas" and everything. So he unzipped the bag and a poof of white, you know... and he thought he'd just hit the motherload.
D: So Johnny, tell us a little bit more about this vitamin powder... What exactly are we talking about?
J: Well... I was a health nut at the time.
D: I notice that you have some gold teeth. I'll bet you that's for the movie you just did. (lol, the closed captioning said, "I'll pet you.")
J: Yes, it was the Pirates film.
D: Are those on permanently, will you have those taken off?
J: I meant to have them taken off, but I left Los Angeles immediately after the film, and forgot to take them off. So I'll go get them off next week.
D: And the last time you were supposed to be here you were having a root canal, too.
J: Double root canal.
D: How did that go? Everything all right.
J: Emergency...
D: An emergency root canal?
J: Oh yeah. Double, yeah.
D: I understand that's quite painful, a root canal.
J: Oh, it's hideous, yeah. Absolutely awful.
D: Did the procedure go all right?
J: Yeah, that one was all right. And then I had another one again, another double root canal while I was doing the Pirates film.
D: Oh really. Recently?
J: Yeah. And for this one the dentist put me out
D: He put you under.
J: It was 6 to 8 hours...
D: My God. That's quite a procedure there. Are you all right, though?
J: For the moment, yeah.
D: Would you like some vitamin powder?
J: They gave me an IV for that one.
D: They put you to sleep.
J: Yeah. I didn't actually want it, but it worked out well. It was sort of like the Art Carney thing, you know: "99, 98... 3."
D: You just out like a carp. Tell me about living in France, tell me about your family. By the way, how is it, as an American living in France, is there palpable tension, or is that all overblown?
J: That's way overblown, yeah. They generally get the same kick that I get from the... One of the greatest things I've ever seen happen, the morning I opened the newspaper and it said that some very powerful government officials had decided to change the name of French fries to Freedom fries, and French toast to Freedom toast.
D: That'll show 'em.
J: Yeah, oh yeah.
D: It seems kind of silly, doesn't it.
J: It was impressive. I was gonna write a letter, I wanted to write a letter to them just to thank them, just for proving globally that they were absolute imbeciles.
D: You have two children now?
J: Yes, I do.
D: How do you like being a father? Is it fun?
J: It's great.
D: Is it everything you thought it would be?
J: Oh, more, yeah.
D: What is it like?
J: Well, I guess once they hit one years old, it's sort of like running around with a miniature drunk. A tiny drunk.
D: In what respect?
J: You always gotta hold on to them, they bump into things, they laugh, they cry, they urinate, they vomit.
D: The full package.
J: Oh yeah. It's great, it's really great.
D: Your little girl is the older of the two.
J: Yeah, she's four.
D: What to you talk about to each other these days.
J: Now it's starting to get profound. She sat me down teh other day, you know, sort of like: "Dad, I need to have a talk with you." You know, she's...
D: 4.
J: Yeah, 4. So I said, "All right, sweetheart, what've you got?" She said, "I just want to ask you a question, three questions. So I said, "Ok, what've you got?" She said, "Is God afraid of dogs?" I thought about it, you know: maybe. I said, "No, honey, I don't think he is. Probably not." She said, "Okay, has he seen the dinosaurs?" I said "Yes, I think he has."
D: These are good questions.
J: They're very good. And then she said, "Does God have a maid?" And I didn't know how to answer it! You know what I mean?
D: I know. You could go either way wih that. I think he probably has a pretty good maid. Wouldn't you think so?
J: I was gonna call Karen Armstrong, the Biblical scholar.
D: Pose a question.
J: "What do you think?"
D: Let's talk a bit about the film. Did you enjoy making this movie?
J: Oh yeah, it was a gas.
D: Did you like being a pirate?
J: Yeah, it was sort of a childhood dream.
D: And where was it actually filmed?
J: A lot in Los Angeles, and then quite a bit in the Grenadines.
D: I understand it's beautiful there.
J: Very beautiful.
D: Was it great?
J: Yeah.
D: And the story is that it's pirate and also ghost pirates. Is that what it is?
J: I think so, yeah. I haven't seen it yet.
D: We have a clip, though. Let's take a look at he clip. Do you know what the clip's going to be?
J: Somebody told me something backstage.
D: And...
J: I don't remember.
D: It's "Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl." It's open July 9, starring Johnny Depp. We're gonna take a look at a couple minutes of it right here.
(Swordfight with Orlando, complete with dialogue)
More Screencaps
| 
Return to Interview page