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Forget the notion that Johnny Depp is too busy for interviews because he's shooting Don Juan De Marco and the Centerfold with Marlon Brando. Shove Ed Wood screenwriters Larry Karaszewski and Scott Alexander into Johnny's trailer, mix up a few cocktails and (most importantly) lob in a tape recorder and BOOM, instant masterpiece. The following contains gags, thoughtful musings, four-letter words and a surprise guest star. In addition to the cocktails and fake crab, the trailer, decorated by Depp's girlfriend, model Kate Moss, featured colored silks and flickering lamps, evoking a Moroccan opium den.

SCOTT ALEXANDER: Let's jump right in. In Ed Wood, you and Sarah Jessica Parker had to re-create scenes from Ed's movies. You had to act badly on purpose.
JOHNNY DEPP: Yeah. It wasn't difficult at all.
LARRY KARASZEWSKI: No?
SA: Doesn't it go against everything you've learned?
JD: No problem at all.
LK: Exactly. Let's go back to 21 Jump Street.
SA: Hey!
JD: Way before that. I learned how to act badly way before then. Yeah. No, it was actually fun. It's nice to do things badly, as you can see from my film credits.
SA: You guys were doing a real literal recreation, which was so funny. The arm movements and the head turns.
JD: Right.
LK: It wasn't really acting badly, it was more like imitating bad acting to a perfect degree.
JD: What I can't wait to see is that stuff we did from Bride of the Monster in the swamp.
SA: The octopus?
JD: Yeah, I love that whole scene. The way I was saying to Bela, "Now, you're gonna get in there and...'
LK: "Shake it around a bit. Make it look like it's alive."
SA: [as Bela] "Fuck you. You get in there."
JD: "Fuck you." Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing that. It's the first time that I'm actually looking forward to seeing something that I was in. I'm really excited, 'cause it was such a great time. The whole time we were doing it, it felt like a really good departure from any of the other shit that I've done.
SA: Why this movie?
JD: Because there wasn't one moment that wasn't enjoyable. I never got sick of it, and this is not just because you guys wrote the thing and I can blow smoke up your ass. You know how you get burned out on stuff, like if you say it 50 million times? Well, it always made me laugh. It was always funny.
LK: The only thing that got changed from our script to the movie was that you decided that Ed shouldn't swear.
JD: I just felt that he wouldn't. I felt like the most offensive word that could fly out of mouth would be like "darn" or something. I just thought it was a good twist. I didn't want him to curse.
SA: Your theory makes sense.
[We all pour ourselves drinks.]
LK: We hear you're getting Ed a star.
JD: Yeah, I'm trying to get Eddie a star on the Walk of Fame, 'cause it's important. And someone said, "Well, you know, there's one next to Bela that's available."
SA: Whoa! That is amazing.
JD: It would just be fucking perfect.
SA: A star for Ed would be really cool. Who would make this happen?
JD: Well, here's the thing. There's one guy in Hollywood. His name's Johnny Grant.
LK: He's the mayor?
JD: Mayor of Hollywood: self-appointed.
SA: Dictator.
LK: Let's overthrow Johnny Grant. I see no reason why Johnny Depp can't be the Mayor of Hollywood.
JD: I aspire to be the Mayor of Hollywood. [He shrugs.] Eh, I'm just mayor of my own life, man. I'm the mayor of my own future.
LK: The only person I heard that couldn't get a star was Prince. He wanted to use that symbol instead of his real name and they said, "Fuck you."
JD: That thing looks like an egg beater.
LK: Back to Ed Wood. How much did you know about him before you got involved with the project?
JD: I knew the films. I knew Glen or Glenda and I obviously knew Plan 9. His major epic. But yeah, I'd heard about him. Actually, from John Waters.
LK: He's a big fan.
JD: John looks like Ed Wood.
SA: With the thin moustache.
JD: Yeah, like a kind of stretched-out Modigliani version of Ed Wood. John has the same sort of energy that I assume Ed had... that I made Ed have in the movie.
LK: Waters is actually the first person we went to with the project. We had the same agent. So we wrote a letter to him saying, "Would you be interested?" But he was getting Serial Mom going and said, "Well, you know, I love this subject matter, but I can't do it right now."
SA: "I've got to be mainstream. I've had 20 years of being a weirdo."
JD: Yeah.
LK: Exactly. Too strange for John Waters.
JD: The way I heard about the project was, I was sitting home one night, when the phone rang, and it was Tim. He was real secretive: "Johnny, what are you doing?" And I said, "Hanging out, sitting around." He goes, "Can you meet me somewhere?" I said, "Yeah, sure. Where?" He said, "How quickly can you get to the Formosa Cafe?" I go, "20 minutes." So I went there. He was sitting at the bar. We sat and had a beer. And he said, "I got this project. It's gonna happen. I really wanna do it next. It's about Ed Wood." And within, I mean, let's say he called me at 8:00, and I was at the bar by 8:20. By 8:25 I was committed. Completely committed. It was like, "Yeah, whatever you wanna do." When I told John Waters I was gonna play Ed Wood, he was so excited. He was so happy. So I told him Tim was gonna direct - and he said, "That's the only fucking person who can get it made! That's the only person in the world who can get that film made. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy."
SA: Tim really wanted you. He saw you so firmly in the part, he couldn't even imagine if he had to make it with someone else.
JD: Wow. I would do anything Tim wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it. I love Tim. I love working with him. We have a strange connection. It's weird. Neither one of us is a great talker. Neither one of us finishes a sentence properly. Tim is worse than me at that. Somehow we understand each other when we work together.
[An assistant director walks in.]
AD: We're about five minutes away.
JD: What are we doing?
AD: Scene 87. Your close-up.
SA: Oh, Scene 87! Okay.
AD: Marlon will probably not come in for off camera on this one.
JD: No, I don't need him. That's all right. You know, people mentioned to me, "So you're working with Brando?" I said, "Yeah." They said, "Is he actually gonna be there?" I go, "What do you mean?" They said, "Well, we've heard that he's invented this system where he actually isn't even there. It's hologram." But you'd be surprised - he's really fuckin' great He's a real trooper.
[The A. D. gives up and leaves.]
SA: Ed Wood is the only movie you've done where you portray a real person. Did you approach playing him differently than a fictitious character?
JD: Yeah, it is different. I didn't have a whole lot to go on. There are a couple of documentaries, though the only time I'd seen him speak was in Glen or Glenda. But you have to base it on something. Once I started, for some reason, I kept seeing Casey Kasem and Ronald Reagan. And the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz.
SA: Seriously?
JD: Yeah. It was those three guys combined with the stuff that I saw of Ed.
SA: Is there an obligation when you're playing it that you wouldn't have otherwise? The fact that there's a real guy out there?
JD: No, he's dead.
SA: Right.
JD: I mean, there's an obligation - you don't want to tarnish the guy, or fuck up his memory.
LK: In Ed Wood's case, it'd be very difficult.
JD: I wanted to try and make a guy that was a ball of energy, but also so sickly optimistic, you know, like Reagan.
SA: That's interesting.
JD: People could be dying all around the guy, but his little head would still be bobbing and weaving and smiling and shit, like he just doesn't see it. Insanely optimistic. [He thinks a moment.] But the only time I really got scared about being accurate was when Ed's widow, Kathy, showed up.
SA: Yeah.
JD: The initial meeting with her was trippy. It threw me a little bit.
LK: It was kind of a surprise on the set when she showed up.
JD: And I was in drag.
LK: That's right. You were in drag with bad lipstick.
JD: Bad lipstick and my mascara was running and my wig was kind of lopsided and she said, "Jesus, you look just like Eddie." She didn't bat on eye.
SA: That was a weird day.
LK: Kathy was on Hollywood Boulevard, just waiting for the bus. And she saw a production sign that said ED WOOD and she's like, "Oh, you know, I used to be married to that guy. Gotta go." So Scott ran after her.
SA: I reached her just as her bus was pulling up. And I told her it would be an honor for her to come visit. So I took her onto the set and Lisa Marie (in perfect Vampira makeup) came out of the shadows and stepped into the light. And Kathy's eyes pop and she goes, "Maila?!"
JD: Wow. She thought it was Vampira. Must've been overwhelming. Like a time machine. Vampira went through incredible surgery and is now 20 years old.
[Larry picks up a bottle, then frowns.]
LK: I'm reaching for an empty bottle now. That's how bad I am.
JD: You know what's incredible? I've had to pee since... at least at about 11:00 this morning.
LK: When we leave, don't say, "That goddamn Larry and Scott. They wouldn't let me piss."
JD: No, I'm gonna hang onto it. I have separation anxiety when I pee sometimes. Saying goodbye to the night before.
JD: So is it a disaster so far, our interview?
SA: We've never done this before. We don't know.
JD: I think it's good actually.
SA: [riffling through his notes] So what was it like when some of Ed's cronies showed up? Bob Burns? David Ward?
JD: Well, Bob Burns came on the set and brought the original flying saucers from Plan 9.
LK: A man who actually had the foresight: "You know, I'm gonna keep these."
JD: Says a lot about a person.
LK: Just means his basement is full of a lot of things.
JD: He was cool, but he was the one that made me feel really good 'cause... he massaged me. [giggling] No, he made me feel really good because he watched us do a scene where I was directing - directing as Ed. So Bob came to me afterwards and said, "You know, it's really scary, because that's exactly what he was like."
SA: Whoa.
JD: Exactly. I was doing this kind of heightened reality. This larger version than what I assumed was real, and he said, "That's it, man, that's it. Ed was just moving all the time and he was talking really loud and energetic, just fucking excited about doing something." So I was kind of happy about that.
LK: What about David Ward?
JD: Oh, David Ward was killer. I loved him. He was hysterical, man. He had that kind of weird optimism.
SA: He was from the porno period.
JD: Yeah.
SA: The sad '60s. That's when he knew Ed.
JD: He was great. Really supportive. You see him dancing when I was doing the strip tease.
SA: Very prominently.
JD: He was in every angle.
LK: David Ward is a professional extra.
SA: He knows where to stand, how to hold a beer. He knows how you get in there.
JD: I remember I was moving that way, I was shaking it around, and I just remember David like he was, like almost coming onto me, and I thought, How strange.
SA: Getting in the spirit of things.
JD: Yeah, really.
[The AD returns.]
AD: Johnny, camera's ready.
[Johnny leaves for a couple takes, then returns.]
SA: David Ward was really funny. We were sitting with him, and Landau comes over. And he's like, "Martin Landau. I'm so excited to meet you. I know Sliver was a big bomb, but I liked it."
LK: Yeah, "I know you were just in the movie that was really crap, but forget about all that. Just put it all behind you."
SA: "I thought you were terrific."
JD: Oh, Jesus Christ.
LK: You know, there's a whole script based on David Ward. Ward was this guy who struggled for 20 years to get in SAG. It was one of those legendary unproduced scripts.
JD: I want to play David Ward.
SA: And a fictitious version of Ed Wood shows up in the third act. But they chickened out - they changed all the names.
LK: They pull punched.
JD: Hey, anyone heard from Paul Marco?
SA: No.
LK: He left a message on my machine saying, "If you want to make a lot of money, call me back." But I decided I didn't really want to make a lot of money, so I didn't call him back.
SA: Larry takes the high ground.
JD: "If you want to make a lot of money"?!
SA: Paul's a man of mystery.
LK: Paul was actually the first guy that Tim really got into, because we gave Tim this British documentary, The Incredibly Strange Film Show, that has an interview with Paul. And there's that some kind of deluded optimism - "Gosh, I just love making these movies." Because Paul still believes, the same way Ed believed, that these films are great. So it really captured the spirit of our script early on.
SA: Funny and sad.
JD: Still, that hope that someday he was gonna - you know, he told me that he wanted to play himself.
SA: Yeah.
LK: When he was doing his cameo, he was wandering around, and he saw a trailer that said PAUL MARCO on the outside. And so he just walks in there, and starts kicking back and relaxing -
SA: Moving things around...
LK: And Max walks in. It's Max's trailer.
SA: Actor Max. Who plays the character "Paul Marco."
LK: And there was this big blowup. It was like, "No, this is my trailer." And finally, I think Denise DiNovi or somebody managed to find another trailer for Paul.
SA: I think he ended up with a bigger trailer than you.
JD: Give him anything. Give him anything. [Johnny takes a bite of something, then grimaces.]
JD: What is this? It's weird.
SA: Surimi - fake crab.
JD: You take a bite of it and it crunches and then the taste is like water. It's hemorrhoids. [He dumps his food.] Oh, I know what I was gonna say earlier.... When we were talking about playing Ed and I didn't want to tarnish his memory, do anything further than what had already been done. He'd been called the worst director in history, you know, made the worst films of all time, and all that. Well, I wanted to play him as what you guys had in mind initially, your vision of making him this sort of hero, in a weird way. How his friends had this strange belief in him and loved him. I wanted to go against all that "Golden Turkey Awards" shit that the Medved brothers said. Because I honestly believe if a guy, a director, or a writer, is doing their work, what is true to him, making his own vision, his own statement, who can judge that and say it's bad or good? It's just different. I really don't think that Ed was a bad director.
SA: Do you think it would have been any different if Ed had had more money?
JD: Absolutely. Sure. I think he did the best he could with what was available to him. You know, $30 can only go so far.
LK: The flying saucers were symbols for real special effects.
JD: Look at today. They make films for $100 million. And you give a nine-year-old kid a $100 million and say, "We're gonna take Arnold Schwarzenegger, this man here with the big muscles, and we're gonna give him a 100,000 pounds worth of explosives and some machine guns and shit. Now go ahead."It's like playing army in your backyard, only with a very expensive budget. A huge wallet. Anybody could do it, I think.
LK: Also, I find that what separates Ed's movies from the really bad films is that you can really feel that passion underneath. That's what's so great about them, is that you can tell that the people making them totally believe in what they're doing.
SA: His personality comes through.
LK: Half the time, you go the movie theater nowadays, and you pay $7.50, and there is no personality coming through. There is nothing at all.
JD: His acting in Glen or Glenda was really great. I wouldn't say it was bad. We talked about it as being bad earlier. It's not really bad acting, it's just sort of surreal. What's that one line? "My mind's in a muddle." His delivery was so - I mean, if you saw Christopher Walken do that, you'd say, "My God, he's a genius." Right? Fucking genius. So, I think Ed got the shit end of the stick. Because people were, for the most part, generally cheap. Somebody vomits their opinion and the rest of the people go, "I agree with him. It's terrible. That's all."
LK: When we were writing the script, it was very important we didn't make fun of Ed.
SA: Wait a minute -
[Everyone looks up. Actor Vincent D'Onofrio, who in an odd coincidence happens to be in Ed Wood, has unexpectedly walked in.]
JD: Hey, you. You know Vincent D'Onofrio?
[Everyone mumbles hellos. We all shake.]
JD: Orson Welles. How are you, brother?
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO: [confused] Okay... it's a bit overwhelming.
JD: We're doing an interview for FILM THREAT! These guys wrote Ed Wood.
VD: Okay, then go ahead. I wanna hear some shit. Come on.
JD: Yeah, let's continue.
LK: We were talking about the fact that we weren't making fun of Ed. For instance, the cross-dressing. We tried not to make it campy. Once an actor puts on a dress, it's kind of hard not to become Milton Berle.
JD: No, in a weird way, it's almost the most normal that Ed was. I felt he was most comfortable when he was in drag, and the rest of it was a bit heightened.
SA: In the film, you're very natural when you're in a dress. You come down in those scenes.
JD: Yeah. The other times he's kind of jumping out his skin.
[Scott hands Vincent the list of prepared questions.]
SA: Here, let's give Vincent the questions. The guest interviewer.
[Vincent isn't sure about this. But he decides to play along.]
VD: That brings up an interesting question. "Have you heard from any fetish groups or publications?"
JD: Yeah. Before we started the movie, I got a package from Miss Vera's Finishing School in New York City.
LK: Wow.
JD: And what they do is, they teach men to become transvestites. How to behave like women.
VD: What did they say in the letter?
JD: It was a bunch of stuff. Literature, photographs, and the letter was basically, "We heard you were doing this film and we're very excited about the possibility of you coming here. And we could help you out, help you become a woman."
SA: That was good of them.
JD: And I wrote them back and said, "I need no help becoming a woman, because I am one." [He laughs.] So, no, actually, I did think about it. I pondered the thought of going there to kind of investigate what they were doing.
SA: You did a fine job. In a dress, you were a dead ringer for Claudia Schiffer.
JD: Nah. I thought I was the ugliest woman I'd ever seen in my life. But you know, it's interesting that you mentioned Claudia Schiffer, because I followed her around for months. I stalked her, and I got in trouble with that guy. What's his name?
LK: David Copperfield.
JD: Yeah, that guy. The magician. He kept making me disappear. You know, suddenly these pigeons would appear out of my...
[Everyone laughs. Vincent looks for another question.]
VD: Speaking of exploiting your friends...
JD: Nice segue.
VD: Did Ed know that he was exploiting all his friends?
JD: No. I think that it was his destiny to meet Bela Lugosi. And he saw an opportunity that reared its head, and he took the ball and ran with it. I think that he tried to make everything good, tried to get them all gigs and make them all happy, and make them famous, and he believed that. He believed that he was going to make them all famous.