Fiction 1 - Depp 2000 - campaign for President
Fiction 2 - Sinkhole by Langley
Fiction 3 - To Dream or Not to Dream by Meeps
Fiction 4 - Petit-Chocolat collaboration by fans
Fiction 5 - That's All I'm Gonna Say by Perky Lurker
Fiction 6 - Darkbay by Mihneea
Fiction 7 - Much Ado About Something another collaboration by fans
Fiction 8 - A Comedy of Arrows by Meeps
Fiction 9 - My Treat by Tasha Mae

Hey there, all you Red-Blooded Americans!

Our Johnny has been spending far too much time away from his homeland, and it's time to lure him back to the good ol' U.S. of A.!

And what better way than to elect Johnny

THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!

So hop on the bandwagon, and join in the grassroots movement to bring Johnny back home. Remember our Motto:

"JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT!"
"Why Trash Hotel Rooms When You Can Trash The Oval Office?"

Tune in tomorrow for the campaign launch of

"DECISION: DEPP – 2000!"

Mavis, my sweet as confectioner's sugar future First Lady (and, thank you, dearest, for the juicy kisses, etc. from the loyal fans that you bestowed upon me after my nap, and from YOU, as well...(sigh)...ah, I can see you blushing, you darling delicacy), I am better at the computer than you think, but I will rely on you, my delicious Dane, to keep the fans up-to-date on your perspective of the events of my campaign for Presidency, since I will be involved in matters of significant importance regarding the future of our country for the next few weeks. See you tonight, my perky little pumpkin.

Yours passionately,
Johnny

Ooooh, Johneeeee!!! You can be delicious yourself! I thought, I explained the difference between Bulletin Boards and the PRIVACIES of e-mail! ... too many kisses and too little explanation, I guess ... Now I blush from my hair to the soles of my feet - even the shoes are red! Hmmm - they were that at the shop too - sorry, Baby :-) not your fault then :-) I must explain it to you again tonight - maybe more kisses then :-) Yummy :-) ... eh ... Sorry, Mamarazzi - Vicki - y´all :-) I got carried away a bit, and forgot the difference myself :-) Then I can hardly blame Johnny :-)
Love Mavis :-)
(maybe I should keep this colour of hair - I will have to ask Johnny, if he likes redheads :-) .... ups! sorry!! I forgot to ... BYE! eh ..)

FEARLESS AND LOVING IN LOST VAGUENESS: Johnny Depp is Squeaky Clean and Ready for Dirt!

Johnny Depp surfaced in a spacious outdoor sauna at a secretive space, where he was relaxing with his hot woman and a couple of cold beers after a lukewarm first week on the campaign trail. I inquired if he was primed to publicize his Presidential party platform.

Johnny: "Yep, I’m ready to organize, educate and agitate! I’m gonna be realistic and demand the impossible. F***ing-A, man! I’m gonna arm my desires and disarm authority. After all, ACTION is what counts. Anything else is just posing."

I must admit, when I first heard that he was running for President (and given that it’s taken me almost a week to weed out his whereabouts), I couldn’t help but speculate if Johnny’s campaign slogan ought to be "Avoid, Repress, Deny." Au contraire! He is all charged up on caffeine and ready to bullshit with the best of the bastards! Here’s what he had to say about his "Fearless & Loving in Lost Vagueness" party platform:

Family Values: "The future First Lady and I stand firmly committed to raising the value of the average American family from $1 to $3, maybe even higher. We will validate veritable values, and we will veto all vague, vacant or vegetating values!"

Crime: "If elected, I intend to personally confront every criminal convicted of a capital offense. Those fiendish f***ers are fascinating, man! Griiisly!"

Education: "My genius friends and I are currently readying a revolutionary revamp of the educational system. Right now, I am reluctant to reveal relevant details, but it will be referred to as ‘Plan 9 from Inner Space.’ Sounds weird, I know, but this plan is perfect!!"

The Political System: "This country is insanely imploding due to f***ed up political and judicial inadequacies. Under my innovative administration, innumerable ideals will be identified and illuminated!"

Children: "With the help of my lovely and loyal First Lady, I will launch legislation that will guarantee both blue skies AND puffy white clouds for countless children in America. The theme from Sesame Street will be our new National Anthem."

The JohnnyDeppFan dot com Message Board: "This is an international special interest group that I smilingly support, and is also known as the Vickiesburg Gazette. I will see to it that all registered Board members are provided with free airfare, hotel accommodations, and tickets to each and every one of my movie premieres."

Just Say No To Rugs. "Rugs are a multi-faceted national crisis, you know? On the one hand, we have lovely little old ladies and innocent children slipping and sliding on habitually and indiscriminately-used throw rugs. On the other hand, we have bald old men deluding themselves into thinking that by donning head rugs they’ll look like Don Juan de Marco. That’s f***ed up, man! My administration will work with the Rug Enforcement Agency (REA) to enact stringent regulations regarding the importation, sale, and use of rugs."

I could see that Johnny was about at the end of his sauna and his attention was deviating to his darling, so I slowly sauntered inside.

But...who’s his Vice Presidential candidate? And what’s his party slogan? And...and...and...

Stay tuned for all the news that’s not...

Mamarazzi
Reporting for the All Bull Corporation (ABC)

Dear Mamarzzi.
:Thank you for bringing this interview so fast and funny to your readers :-) You looked so vague, when you left us, that Johnny wonder, if you could remember the way home ... And boy, was that a hot interview .. both figuratively speaking (you are one of my favorite journalist :-) ) but also literally!
:I think, I lost at least five pounds ... And not, that I don´t need to loose them - let´s face it, Johnny like his women to be small and slim, and I am more of the small and broad variety. Kind of like Sleufoot in the old song: broad across the rump :-) But that reminds me of what I wanted to tell you people - after all that heat, Johnny and I went to a big official dinner, and this woman among his supporters asked to sing with the band, who were entertaining during the meal.
:I believe, she is a lawyer - a neat chinese american by the name of Ting Crossby. The band started playing "White Christmas" and I thought; Christmas do come early this year :-)
But she sang: I´m dreaming of a sweet Johnny, like the one, we love to know with a smile so sweetly, that one just want to grab him, and never, ever let him go.
:Johnny couldn´t find out, what to do or say :-) I do believe, he was the one blushing this time :-) But he thank her very kindly, and whispered to me, that if I giggled before we were out in the car, he would ... there he almost giggled himself, so I don´t know, what he would do to me :-) Maybe I better say goodbye to you guys, and go ask him.
Best of love, yours Mavis.

I must add, that while I would looove to loose some weight, Johnny claims, there can never be too much of something good ... isn´t he just a darling :-)))

The Mesmerizing Mamarazzi was Johnny-on-the-Spot, and is busy spouting Masticating Mouthfuls of Meaningful Memorabilia even as we speak! All the news, all the time, and up to the minute!

Campaign Headquarters also caught up with that Darling of Denmark, Meeps, lolly-gagging in the library. Miss Meeps allowed that the position of First Lady might cut into her giggling time, but she'll graciously make the sacrifice.

And to round out the ticket, Johnny needs a running mate! To qualify, answer the following:

1. Which President was in office at the time of Johnny's first visit to the White House?
2. Why was Johnny there?
3. Who accompanied Johnny to the White House?

The first person responding with the correct answer to all three questions earns a place on the ticket as our Vice Presidential Candidate.

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

Johnny's campaign has taken off like a rocket!!! But our Burned Out Bad Boy needs a running mate!

To qualify as our Vice Presidential candidate, be the first to answer all three questions posted under

PRIMARY COLORS! (Blazing Trails!)

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!!!

OK I'll try. Do I have to do anything? He doesn't do much of anything anyway (hehe).

1. Which President was in office at the time of Johnny's first visit to the White House?
REAGAN

2. Why was Johnny there?
JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS

3. Who accompanied Johnny to the White House?
HIS MOTHER

We're really rolling now!

"Lurker" was no Johnny Come Lately, and correctly answered all three questions regarding Johnny's visit to the Reagan White House to attend the "Just Say No to Drugs" benefit. For this outstanding grasp of Internal Affairs, Lurker will be placed on the ticket as Vice Presidential running mate with Candidate Depp.

The day may come, however, when President Depp might be detained on a movie set, and Vice President Lurker might be tied up on the Internet! To cover that contingency, we'll need a Speaker of the House to come to the rescue!!!

To qualify as Speaker, answer the following:

1. At the White House "Just Say No to Drugs" dinner, what famous financier sat at Johnny's table? 2. What problem arose that night?

The first person responding with the correct answer to both questions earns a spot on the ticket as Speaker of the House!!!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

During the filming of "21 Jump Street", Johnny was invited to the Reagan White House to attend a "Just Say No To Drugs" benefit. Johnny took advantage of this opportunity, and invited his mother to accompany him to the dinner.

A world-famous financier was seated at the table with Johnny and his mother, and a most unusual problem arose that night!

If you can tell us who that financier was, and what problem Johnny experienced, you'll earn yourself a spot on the ticket as Johnny's Speaker of the House!

The answer, as always, is right here on Major Vicki's website!!

I'm going to guess, well I cheated but that's what politicians do, isn't it - Johnny sat next to Armand Hammer and they couldn't get a cup of coffee cause caffine is a drug. They could booze it up tho.

Get 'em while they're Red Hot!

Here's your chance to be the first on your block to proudly display your very own official

"JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT – 2000" Campaign Button!

Buttons are 2 inches round; red white and blue; and read: "Johnny Depp for President – 2000".

Your friends and neighbors will be green with envy!

To order your very own Johnny Depp Campaign Button, please send $2.00 per button in U.S. currency ($3.00 per button in U.S. currency if ordering outside the United States) to:

JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT
P.O. BOX 76195
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA 55175-1195
U.S.A.

To protect your privacy, please do not send checks. Also, no need to include your name, but PLEASE! Indicate CLEARLY where button is to be mailed.

These items are so Hot, they're Smoking! And hurry, supplies are limited!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

As the Major of Vickisburg, I would proudly display the campaign button of such a worthy presidential candidate and I throw all my support (better than all my weight) to him. My support as a successful, well respected politician (although I elected myself) is not given lightly BUT sincerely. So since I'm the first citizen of this fair town, I want to be FIRST to wear his campaign button. My two bucks is in the mail.
Major Vicki

Oh, welcome back, dear HWDF :-) Vickisburg hasn´t been the same without you :-) :: And yes, please, ladies - no checks ... it landed Johnny and me in such trouble the other day with one of his campaign managers ...
:: You see, a lot of ladies - beside your good selves that is :-) supports Johnny in different ways. One day one presented him with an expensive looking set of earrings, she said, he could sell ´em and use the money for his campaign. She said, she could always tell her husband, she had dropped them. Very nice of her, I´m sure :-) But when Johnny told me about it, I asked him "would you believe me, if I came home and had lost TWO earrings?" My darling boy claimed, he would believe anything, I say :-))) But then said, he could see my point. So if anybody out there is in trouble because of two ruby earrings, I am willing to say, I found them after the fundraiser-dinner :-)
:: But the trouble, I was talking about, was a very smart .. lady, who handed Johnny a check with an elaborate nod and wink, and then, when he call me, and asked me to put it in my purse, so it wouldn´t be wrinkled or lost, she marched off in a fury! Her phone-number was on it ... and the campaign manager claims, Johnny should have known, and not giving it to me, as he usually do ... indeed!! I do believe, Johnny knew :-) His eyes looked angry, when he gave me the check. And he was angry too, when he asked his manager, what he was suppose to do! Go fzxbqck her!?! Anyway - the check bounced :-( - so please no checks, no trouble ....
:: But your love and support :-) please, keep that up, if you can :-) Johnny claims, he can sometimes feel it - like warm sunshine :-)
:: Love Mavis.

It has been noted that Candidate Depp is so astute, so singular in his political acumen, that no mundane political party will do!

So let's form our own party! We need a name for our party which will accurately express Johnny's political philosophy, and bring His Message to the world! If we can get anywhere from a handful to a sh**load of suggestions, we'll put it to the Electorate to vote for YOUR favorite name. (This is, after all, a democracy!)

So put on those thinking caps and post those suggestions!

CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS TO OUR MASTER LOGICIAN, MIHNEEA: Speaking of "Johnny Goes to the White House," maybe you could favor us with one of your brilliant riddles along these lines. BUT PLEASE! If you choose to do so, take it easy on us Mere Mortals!!!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

:: Dear Mamarazzi. Dear friends at Vickisburg.
:: First of all, Johnny has made me promise, that I would thank y´all again for all your help and support :-) After we fired Acme Management Inc. we need all the help, we can get. I wrote so fast last night to keep up last night, that the keyboard smoked ... Thank you, friends .-)
:: I have had the strangest the last two nights, when I finally got to bed - that I was out riding Gunpowder - on the prairie ... weird :-) But Gunpowder is a sweet horse - really, he is! He is not nearly as grumpy as his reputation :-) Johnny claims, that Gunpowder got mobbed during the shoot - mocked by the other horses with big Daredevil in the lead :-( For having such a lousy rider ... that is a big problem for a little horsy, says Johnny - I am not quite sure, I believe the teaser, I am married to :-) But he looks so cute telling it, I pretend anyway :-)
:: Now we are on to the subject of dreams - Johnny has had a recurring nightmare. The Headless Horseman trying to lob his head off. And when Johnny screamed "Why!?! You have your head!" The Hessian answer with a grim, ironic smile "You are in politics now, knabe. They never use their heads!" ... but MY Johnny do use his head; to talk with, eat with, kiss with, hold speeches ... excuse me, while I purr :-) ... those kisses .. YUMMY! .. he :-) ... but I have also heard a rumour, that you die, if you don´t .. have your head ... Yikes!! ... ;-)
:: More seriously - I think, these nightmares come from stress. I do believe, this campaign business is sometimes a bit more difficult, than Johnny - or I for that matter - had imagined it to be - he is still not good with crowds. Crowds of any kind. Ten or more elderly ladies with blue hair and walking sticks cornered us the other day. To thank Johnny for trying to do something about "rugs", you know :-) And we found out afterwards, that Johnny had held so hard around my elbow to try to fight his urge to get away, that I had blue markings after his fingers ... "Now the press will scream "Wife-abuse!!"" sighed Johnny. But they won´t be allowed! Because I will tell the truth!! Better to be deem scared than violent in my opinion :-)
:: Johnny sends his love :-)
:: Love Mavis.

Dearest Future First Lady Mavis:

Poor dear Johnny, such nightmares! And having to deal with the blue-hairs! EGAD! Tell our darling Depp that he can depp-end on me to keep press coverage of that frightful scare with the blue hairs under wraps!

Yours in hysterical laughter,
Mamarazzi

QUIRKY PERKY TALKS TURKEY

At last the identity of Johnny’s Vice Presidential running mate has been revealed!! Her name is PERKY LURKER, and here’s her take on her Vice Presidential nomination:

Mamarazzi: Ms. Lurker, how are you this...

Perky: ...PUH-LEEEESE, call me PERKY!

Mamarazzi: OK, Perky...and how are you this fine morning?

Perky: Well, YA KNOW, Perky Lurker is no SHIRKER, she’s a WORKER!! Hand me my pack of cigs, will ya?

Mamarazzi: Sure, here...uh, you’ve already got one lit, Perky. Well, uh...how do you feel about being nominated as Johnny’s Vice President?

Perky: OH BOY! These beans have got me UP, UP, UP!!! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, as my GOOOD friend Johnny Carson once said, "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who DOESN’T GROW UP can be VICE president." I LOVE that quote, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!! Hand me that shot glass and that bottle of whiskey, will ya?

Mamarazzi: Uh...right. So, as Johnny’s Vice President, what are your duties?

Perky: DUHHH!! I’m President of VICES, of course!!!

Mamarazzi: ...huh?...

Perky: President of VICES!!! You know, drugs, alcohol, sex, et CETera. VICES!

Mamarazzi: Oh, well, I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it THAT way...VICE President...well, whatever blows your skirt up, Perky. So, as President of Vices...err, Vice President...will you be PROMOTING the use of drugs, alcohol, illicit sex...

Perky: HELL YES!!! As my GOOOD friend Hunter S. Thompson once said, "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for ME." HA-HA-HA-HA! I LOOOVE that quote! I think it’d work for ALLLL of us in the good ol’ U.S. of A!!! There’s too much REAAALITY in the freakin’ world, and, as my GOOOD friend Lili Tomlin once said, "REAAAALITY is a crutch for people who can't cope with DRUUGS." Pass me that bottle of prescription Zanax, will ya?

Mamarazzi: Here...uh...you’re sounding a bit murky, Perky. Do you, yourself, have any vices?

Perky: Well SHEEE-IT!!! OF COURSE!!! As my GOOOOD friend Abraham Lincoln once said,...what was I just saying?...Oh, yeah, Abe once said, “It has been my experience that folks who have no VIIICES have very few viiiirtues." Want to get a buuuuzz? Whooooo, now THIIIS is some kiiiller cryppie!

Mamarazzi: Uh...I need a drink, I think.

Mamarazzi Reporting for All Bull Corporation (ABC)

I would like the fans to know this interview was given with my full knowledge and consent (hic).

Lurker

:: Well, I am sure, it was, Dear :-)
:: Have you really know Abraham Lincoln? Because if you have, I have a couple of questions to ask you - did he really .. what, Johnny? I shouldn´t believe all I read ... No, I know that! I wasn´t born yesterday, and dried on the stove over night!! But don´t you want to hear, if she can keep the gag running :-) With a possible hangover and all ;-)
:: O.k. :-) I will be sweet to the sweet :-) And just welcome you "on board", dear Perky, on Johnny´s behalf :-) (and my own :-) )
:: Love Mavis.

>> Dear mamarazzi.
>> I have promised Johnny to ask "the smart ladies at Vickisburg" - his words :-) - a question. I hope, you will pass it on :-) I lured him into attending a dinner yesterday - a fund-raiser for a museum. I figured, it was a good place to be seen for a candidate :-) ... and to be honest, I have always wanted to see dinosaur-skeletons in real life, and since I am a rather spoiled woman being Johnny´s - off we went :-) I do believe, he rather enjoyed it after all - but here is his question: "Why are there no T. Queen in this day and age? With Women´s Lib and all that?" You must add his naughty smile in your imagination :-) But if anybody has a good explanation, I would love to hear it. And promise to pass it on :-)
>> I should also thank y´all for all those suggestions for party names - very impressive creativity :-) I have a couple myself - International Union of Deppites, (or National perhaps) I.U.D. for short :-) Women for Depp - maybe .. no, then the men may feel offended. A friend suggested "Party Party" :-) Hmmm? "Peculiar Party"? No, Johnny ... your fans are not Peculiar - they are wonderful people :-) ... You must excuse him, Mamarazzi, he is in one of his moods, I am afraid - not quite satisfied with himself, or all and sundry ...
>> That reminds me - the chinese laundry man at this hotel, we are staying at the moment, came up this morning - completely desolate ... one of his employees had starched seven of Johnny´s underpants - by mistake of course - but there you were ... johnny laughed so much, he had to leave for the bathroom, and I comforted mr. Sun; that it was o.k. :-) try to save the underwear or else - forgetaboutit ;-)
>> What, Sweets? You´re not in a mood. You promise to be sweet? Of course you are! Always, Baby :-) .... we could ... shys! Mamarazzi can hear ... no, of course, she can´t :-) Silly me ;-) You must excuse me now, dear Mamarazzi :-) My darling has a "mission very possible" and rather cozy ;-) and I think, I am going to accept :-) So my Johnny can stay a spoiled man ;-)
>> Love Mavis.

My Dearest Future First Lady Mavis:

Your question...why is there no Tyrannosaurus QUEEN...most thought provoking!!!

A small amount of research found this:

ti-RAN-o-SAWR-us (Gr. tyrannos "king, tyrant, despot" + Gr. sauros "lizard") (m) named "in reference to its size, which greatly exceeds that of any carnivorous land animal hitherto described." Theropoda Coelurosauria Tyrannosauridae L. Cret. NA., CAs.

rex, of course, means KING.

I believe the dinosaur T.Rex was given its scientific name WAAAAAY back in the days well before women's lib; in fact, in the days when Men Were Men and Women Were To Be Kept Barefoot and Pregnant.

Maybe you and Johnny, once he is elected as President, could officially change the name, in honor of women around the world? But then, if you DO change the name from Tyrannosaurus Rex to Tyrannosaurus Queen, are all the homophobes going to object?

Ah, poor Mavis and Johnny...there is NEVER a clear-cut path down the political road.

Does this information help you, my dear Mavis?

I LOVE the name I.U.D. for Johnny's party name!

Yours in giggles, Mamarazzi

David Letterman needs our help!
His "Top Ten List" is getting stale!

Johnny Depp needs our help!
His campaign is off to a late start!

Campaign Headquarters is here with the Savvy Solution!!!

With the assistance of the Electorate out there in Vickisburg, Headquarters will assemble the Top Ten Reasons for Electing Johnny President! Here's a sample:

REASON NO. 10: Every four years – a new First Lady!

So put on those thinking caps, gang, and submit your reasons for electing Johnny. If we can come up with 10 good reasons, our list will be submitted to the Letterman show for possible air time. And, if not Letterman...maybe Leno???!!!

But hurry, cuz we're looking at a Friday deadline!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!!!

Campaign Headquarters is honored and delighted to welcome our newest member to the "Johnny ticket," none other than the First Citizen of Vickisburg, Major Vicki!!! For her outstanding recall (!) of White House history, Vicki will assume the position of Speaker of the House.

The day may come, however, when Major Vicki may be tied up preparing the Monthly Newsletter! To cover that contingency, we could use a President Pro Tem of the Senate!

To qualify, answer the following:

Q. Is Johnny legally qualified to be President of the United States?

The first person responding with a correct answer to this question earns a spot on our ticket as President Pro Tem! (And it's a 50/50 shot!)

"DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!"

Thank you...thank you verry much. Hey, I get one of those big gavel thingees, right!! akak..I lost my train of thought. So, as my first official act, I have prepared a very important document as our charter. It contains the electric words of all members of the illustrious Depp ticket. This document contains a photograph of the official campaign button for posterity (thanks HWDF, kewl button). The editor (of the Vickisburg gazette) in me has surfaced, of course, and I have corrected some of the spelling (;-) Oh, and I did carefully choose the colors depicting our representatives. So here it is, a living document, that will change throughout the campaign.
Yours sincerely, Major Vicki (the next Speaker of the House)

An Interview with Vicki McKay

It was with some trepidation that I approached the home of Vicki McKay, Major of Vickisburg and newly-appointed candidate as Speaker of the House under Johnny Depp’s bid for President, to meet her and conduct my first interview with the legendary Johnny Depp fan extraordinaire and owner/operator of the Johnnydeppfan dot com website.

The front door was slightly ajar, and after knocking several times and receiving no response, I decided to enter.

“Hello!! Anyone home? Vicki McKay? I’m Mamarazzi, here for the interview!” I called out.

Without warning, a woman, bare-ass naked, bolted through the room and disappeared from sight. It startled the BeJesus out of me, I must say.

“Vicki? Vicki? Was that YOU?” I yelled.

And again, just as suddenly, came the same nude woman, sprinting through the room and then out of eyeshot. But as she zipped by, she said, “Hi Mamarazzi, I’m Vicki McKay! Go ahead, interview me, but I have to keep running!”

I really didn’t know what to make of this, so I shouted, “OK, Vicki…so, I understand you’ve never met Johnny Depp, but that he was so impressed with your loyalty as a fan, he asked you to be in his Presidential party.”

And in a flash, naked Vicki again darted through the room, panting, “Yeah, isn’t that something? After all these years as his number one fan in the whole world, I FINALLY get to meet him!!! And what an honor that he wants me to work with him!!!” Then she disappeared from view.

“Vicki,” I hollered, becoming somewhat exasperated, “Why are you running naked through the house?”

Whereupon, Vicki dashed through the room yet again, still naked as the day she was born, and gasped, “Johnny phoned me, and he was in a big hurry to catch a plane, and we had a bad connection from his cell phone, but he asked me to be Streaker of the House, and I love him so much, I said I would, so I’m practicing!”

“WHAT?????” I shouted. “NO!! Vicki, WAIT! I think you misunderstood! He meant SPEAKER of the House, not STREAKER of the House!”

But I don’t think she heard me. The last I saw of Vicki McKay, she was streaking naked through the neighborhood and shouting, “Johnny Depp for President! Johnny Depp for President!”

Now THAT’S a loyal and dedicated fan!

Mamarazzi
Reporting for the All Bull Corporation (ABC)

:: Poor Vicki :-))) I will have Johnny call her again - hopefully she will be running near a phone by then ...
:: And I will send her some cough syrup and gum drops, if she has caught a cold running around like that, just as soon as I can stop laughing long enough to write on the parcel :-)))
:: ... why do people CATCH colds actually? I try to avoid them instead ...
:: Love Mavis.

Lurker on November 01, 2000 at 12:50:04:

Hi everyone...[hic]...I have JUST THE THING for Vicki if she "catches" a cold...[hic]...tell her to come and see me...[hic]. Perky Lurker, Johnny's VICE President

Johnny's got himself a Streaker Speaker!!! But in case poor Vicki catches her death of cold, Our Darling Boy will need a President Pro Tem!

To qualify as "Pro Tem", answer the following:

Q: Is Johnny legally qualified to serve as President of the United States?

Hint: It's a Yes/No question – So step right up and don't be shy!!! You too can serve with Johnny!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

I believe the answer is yes. don't you have to be at least 35 and a us citizen or something like that????

Congratulations to mulberry! Johnny is absolutely qualified!

The U.S. Constitution provides that a candidate for the Presidency be a "natural born" U.S. citizen, at least 35 years old, and must have lived in the U.S. at least 14 years.

The day may come, however, when mulberry is hard at work translating German to English! To cover that contingency, we'll need a Secretary of State! To qualify as Secretary, answer the following:

Q: On what day will we be voting for Johnny?

The first person responding with the correct answer earns a spot on our ticket as Secretary of State!

oh yay, thank you Depp Fan, we the people will unite for our just cause!!!!

Mulberry (the alter ego of rane**)

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

Hi fans, Mamarazzi here! This hot item just came across my desk, from an unknown source at Bark Horizons: Johnny Depp's "unofficial" campaign photo!

:: Oooooh, this is soooo beautiful!!! Thank you very much, Mamarazzi :-))) ... oh, my Baby is so beautiful .. I think, I will vote for him twice :-) I Can´t, Meeps!?! What ever do you mean ... I am Danish? Weeeell ... oh, ZXWÆHGITPÅGF!!!
:: And off Mavis went and slammed the door - sounding a bit like Donald Duck on a bad day :-) so ...
:: Love Meeps and Mavis.

Dear Meeps and pissed-off Mavis! WAIT, Mavis! This is FANTASY world! ANYTHING goes here! We'll let Mavis vote twice, if she WANTS to! Hell, she can vote THREE times, even! And origin of birth is no deterrent! We're gonna let anyone in the WORLD vote! Meeps, calm her down, will you?

Your humble servant,
Mamarazzi

:: Don´t worry :-) She is just playing angry :-) But likes the idea of letting the whole world decide ... but ... oh, it shall only be Johnny, she claims, that the whole world can vote for. The other candidates must make do with the American voters :-) I think, this has gone a bit to her head ;-) Auch! Leave the pillows on the couch!!
:: Yours Meeps. (and a giggling Mavis :-) )

Did you say "leave the pills on the couch"? Pills? Where? When? Oh, my mistake, you said "leave the pillOWS on the couch."

Perky Lurker, Johnny's VICE President

MEDIA BLITZ STARTS FRIDAY! When Campaign Headquarters submits our

"TOP 10 REASONS TO ELECT JOHNNY DEPP PRESIDENT!!!"

to the David Letterman show!

Here are some suggestions from the Electorate:

• He DID inhale!
• He could use Edward Scissorhands to shred documents!
• His motto will be "Make Love, Not Wargasm!"
• He can wear angora better than any President ever could!
• He can contradict himself better than any politician!
• F*** would become a household word, so the TV censors wouldn't have to bleep it out!
• He looks better than Clinton or Kennedy - More reason to see the news!
• The press can go on vacation for 4 years!
• "Johnny Be Good" will be our new National Anthem!
• 365 days a year – Open Season on all paparazzi!
• The only candidate willing to have the Presidential Seal tattooed on his chest!
• Every 4 years – A new First Lady!

So keep those suggestions coming in, folks! We'll vote on the Top Ten tomorrow!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

Campaign Headquarters is pleased to announce that Johnny is tickled pink with the Elections, Erections, and Genuflections thus far in his Campaign!

And now he needs a Secretary of State!

To qualify as Secretary, answer the following:

Q: On what day will we be voting for Johnny?

The first person responding with the correct answer earns a spot on our ticket as Johnny's Secretary of State!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

Oh, hell! Might as well be ME!

November 7th.

Namaste!
Lsquared

Don't Miss Out! Here's your chance to add the official "Johnny Depp for President" campaign button to your personal collection! For an up close and personal look at this collector's item, please see "THE CHARTER" – link in Major Vicki's 10/30/00 post "I except...er, accept."

To order your very own "Johnny Depp for President" campaign button, please send $2.00 per button in U.S. currency ($3.00 if ordering outside the United States) to:

JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT
P.O. BOX 76195
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA 55175-1195
U.S.A.

To protect your privacy, please do not send checks. Also, no need to include your name, but Please! Indicate CLEARLY where button is to be mailed.

Hurry! Supplies are limited, and time's running out!

Aaaahhh, the never-ending battle between Fantasy and Reality! Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference!!!

But our Buttons are as real as real can be, and a "Must Have" for any serious Johnny collector.

And speaking of reality, maybe it's time to let the real Johnny Depp know that he's in the running for the U.S. Presidency - on the off-chance that he wins this thing!

Campaign Headquarters will fire off an Advisory Memo to Tracey Jacobs first thing in the A.M.!!!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

:: D-d-do you re-really mean to sa-sa-ssy ..... say! that you will tell - has told by now - Tracey Jacobs about all, that we have "dragged" her client through ... And th-then J-j-johnny D-depp himself m-m-might know? Oh, I love the idea :-))) ... but I do hope, the journalist are right, when they claim, he has a sense of humour .. By the way - does anybody know of a nice little discreet henhouse, this chicken can hide in, until she dares venture out to see, what - if anything :-) came of your daring plan ;-)
:: Yours Meeps.

Hey there, Miss Meeps/Sometimes known as Mavis!

Looking for a cozy little chicken coop in which to hide until the dust settles?

You might want to try "The Bush Little Gore House in Texas!" It's where all the "slick chicks" hang out (along with a few "working girls!!!")

Campaign Headquarters will keep Johnny's Constituency apprised of any response from Tracey/Johnny!!!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

: Ahoy there, First Lady!

: Now that Our Candidate is "between engagements", so to speak, maybe you who are closest to Dear Johnny could give us the inside scoop on his future plans???!!!

: Will he be Loving It in Lost Vagueness on the Campaign Trail, or does he plan to keep the home fires burning??? (Sidebar: I would be the expert there!!!)

: Inquiring Minds Like Ours Want To Know!!!!!

:: Yes, well, dear HWDF ... Johnny´s plans are a little vague at the moment. He sorts of waits for election day to come and go, and then we will see, what is what, as they say ...
:: He claimed this morning, that he was holding his breath in anticipation - and I had to tell him, that that was not sooo healthy ... And would he please STOP THAT NOW!!! Thank you kindly, Sir :-) That release the tension a bit. He laughed, and called me "Sillipet" :-) (He is very good at pet names, don´t you think :-)?) And said, I knew, what he meant :-) And I do :-)
:: That is not to say, we are not out there talking to people! Only yesterday at a house-party, Johnny managed to save an elderly gentleman from slipping in one of those dangerous rugs, you know ... And the gent presented himself as retired general F.H. Leghorn, and grumbled: "You saved, I said, you saved my hide there, boy`o" (the hostess cringed - hearing the candidate called boy`o ;-) )
:: But Johnny just smiled, and said, he was glad to be of service :-) They talked a bit of this and that, and then the general remarked to me "You, young lady, I said, you do have a charming husband here. He could charm the hind leg of a mule and the birds from the trees" But then ... Johnny suddenly said "No, I am not charming at all!" in a rather sharp tone of voice ... I certainly do hope, the U.S. of A. have some good diplomats, if Johnny gets into the oval office ...
:: General Leghorn looked at him, as one looks at a pussycat, who purrs one moment, and the next wants to show, it is packing its claws to day ... And I wrecked my brain to find something to say or do, to prevent my normally sweet boy from erupting as a miniature Depp´s Peak.
:: But just as suddenly, it was over - maybe my squeezing his hand a bit hard, warned him ;-) Or it is just, that he is normally very sweet and respectful towards elderly people :-) Johnny smiled at me. And then said - smiling :-) to the general "And even if I were, Sir, it would be great shame and a great problem for the poor mule to be limping around on three legs" By now general Leghorn was smiling again :-) "And the birds better stay put" Johnny continued, looking around "me thought, me saw a puttytat" :-) :: So the old general was right :-) Johnny is very charming, when he can relax a bit :-)
:: And Johnny was right too, I saw the cat a little later, padding out into the garden, and looking very offended ... There is on female, who wouldn´t vote for Johnny, even if she could. He would not even charm a little snack down for her to try and catch .... meow!!!
:: Love Mavis.

Hello fans, Mamarazzi here, and welcome to this EXCLUSIVE radio broadcast from the home of Lsquared in rural Central Florida, where Johnny Depp and his darling Dane, Mavis, are on a 3-hour holiday from the rigors of the Presidential campaign trail.

Lsquared: “I’m SOOOO happy! I received my Campaign Button that I had ordered from Hard Working Depp Fan today! It’s really COOL! But now, you must excuse me, because I have to go mow my lawn in the nude. Hey, I know what!! Since my nipples are pierced, I’m going to wear the Campaign Button in one of my pierced nipple holes! Mamarazzi, would you help me put it on? Ouch!!! Careful! That f***er is SHARP!! There! Well, I’m off to mow my lawn! See ya later, fans!”

Johnny: “Hey, wait a minute, Lsquared! You mean, you’re actually gonna to mow your lawn in the NUDE? F***in-A! I’ve always WANTED to DO that!!!”

Lsquared: “Well, Johnny, you are in for a real treat! I have an extra lawn mower!! Would you like to help me?”

Johnny: “F***in-A, man! You don’t have to ask ME twice! WOW! Mowing a lawn in the NUDE! This is a boy’s DREAM!!!”

And with that, Johnny and Lsquared have happily headed outside, their respective tattoos and bare asses glowing brilliantly in the sunlight. I’m going to take advantage of this quiet moment to have a word or two with the Future First Lady of the United States, Mavis Smith Depp.

Mamarazzi: Mavis, it’s so good to finally meet you!!! But let me ask you, aren’t you at all jealous that Lsquared and Johnny are mowing the lawn together in their birthday suits? I mean, that Lsquared is a VAMP! Rumor has it that she’s had more bones buried in her than Forest Lawne!

Mavis: No :-) I trust Johnny :-) And in this case Lsquared too :-) I sometimes pretend to be jealous, because it amuses Johnny in a way - it is a kind of game, we have, you see ;-) ... only when I don’t trust the woman to keep her hands off, I am serious about it - Also because ... well :-) it makes my Johnny just a little bit nervous, if a .. woman is very set of having him :-) But in this case - no :-) I must add, I also trust Johnny to be honest enough to tell me, the day he don´t want me anymore ...there probably be a lot of yelling, screaming and crying. But I won´t force him to do anything, he don´t want to do :-) So I will .. leave ... could we talk about something nicer now?

Mamarazzi: The world is curious, Mavis. You know how tight-lipped Johnny is about his relationships. Would you mind filling us in on how you and Johnny met each other?

Mavis: Certainly :-) It is a rather sweet story :-) I was in L.A. on vacation, and wanted to see one of your huge malls. This little girl - about three years old, I think - was lost. And both Johnny and I tried talking to her, and finding her grandmother for her. When we finally found the woman, she was trying clothes on with a friend, and hadn´t even notice the little one missing .. can you believe that!?! Anyway - she was ready to adopt Johnny on the spot :-) Like he was her long lost son or something :-) And I fell in love with the mixture of embarrassment and pleasure, I saw on Johnny´s face :-) Afterwards we share a drink and found out, we have several interest in common - books, movies, art - music, all kind of things :-) and with the help of letters, phone calls - and Johnny actually flying over to Denmark to visit :-) he apparently fall in love too :-) Lucky me :-)))

Mamarazzi: Mavis, I am loathe to bring this up, but there is a remote possibility that Johnny WON’T be elected as President of the United States. Have you and he talked about that possibility? I mean, what will you and he do if he LOSES?

Mavis: Yes - well ... that might happen ... Oh, I am not worried for Johnny´s sake :-) So many people love him and respect him for his work in the movie industry, that I am sure, the offers will come pouring in the day after the election :-) In fact some have already said "if you don´t win, then we could ..." :-) As for me - I have this daydream of writing a book - I have told Johnny some of it, and he wants to hear more :-) I haven´t got a title yet or the whole story – but among others persons, there will be a dragon, who wears Ray Bans, when he goes up against knights in shining armour ;-) It was Johnny´s idea, it should be an expensive kind sun-glasses :-) The dragon might as well have style :-)))

Mamarazzi: So, Mavis, besides being the world’s most incredible actor, I’ve read somewhere that Johnny likes to paint. Could you fill us in on that?

Mavis: Oh, yes, he is rather multi-talented, isn´t he? Music, acting, drawing, painting :-) And I love it all :-) Really good work :-) Only - he has this idea - he wants to paint me ...

Mamarazzi: What’s wrong with that, Mavis? You seem hesitant to have Johnny paint you.

Mavis: You see - he wants to paint me - and we can´t seem to find a paint here in U.S.A. who is guaranteed NOT to give me a rash .... But I will contact friends in Denmark :-) I know, there are body-paint over there, that are tested for that kind of thing. I only like one kind of itch, which Johnny can cure better than any doctor :-) ... oh, I don´t believe, I just said that ... tshee-heehee :-)

Mamarazzi: Well, I see that Johnny and Lsquared have finished mowing and are headed back inside. I wish you could see this, fans...Johnny is grinning from ear to ear at FINALLY getting to mow a lawn in the nude, and his lean body is glistening with sweat, and his......WHEW! Is it HOT in here, or is it just ME?

And that concludes this exclusive radio broadcast. I’m headed off for a cold shower. Somebody turn that A/C thermostat down, will you?

Mamarazzi
Reporting for the All Bull Corporation (ABC)

:: Oh, please, dear Mamarzzi :-) Be sweet to the broad ... minded ;-))) women :-) Women are suppose to look that way. It is made that way, so we can better sit down and hear all the men´s complaining and whining and ... huh? He said ... I should "shut up" ..... How! Rude!! ... shut up and kiss you, Baby? Why didn´t you say so :-)))?
:: Now my broad back comes to good use ;-)
:: Love Mavis

Johnny wishes to roll out the Red Carpet to welcome the Loquacious Lsquared to his ever-expanding ticket!!! Our new Secretary of State has revealed more personalities during this campaign than Sally Field doing Sybil!!! Rumored to be a dedicated and tireless volunteer for the Green Party, LS has apparently said "See ya later, alli-Nader" and joined us in the Winner's Circle!

Welcome Aboard!!!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!!!

Campaign Headquarters has submitted the following e-mail message to the David Letterman show in hopes of getting Our Candidate some National Coverage!

Headquarters will keep the Electorate apprised of any response from the Letterman show. In the meantime, keep those VCR's primed and ready!!!

TO: The David Letterman "Mailbag"

FROM: "Johnny Depp For President"
Campaign Headquarters

RE: The Top 10 Reasons to Elect Johnny Depp President!!!

Dear Mr. Letterman:

We, the People of JOHNNYDEPPFAN.COM, have determined that the American public is neither willing to be BUSH-whacked or ready to get GORE'd!

We need Johnny, the DEPP-endable candidate!!!

And because Johnny is the darkest of dark horses in the Presidential Preakness, we are attempting a "media blitz'; i.e., inclusion in your esteemed "Top Ten List"!

So here, without further ado, are our

TOP 10 REASONS TO ELECT JOHNNY DEPP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

REASON NO. 10: He DID inhale!
REASON NO. 9: He could use Edward Scissorhands to shred White House documents!
REASON NO. 8: He looks cuter in angora than Clinton or Kennedy!
REASON NO. 7: He could "drop a bomb" on the Saddam Hussein Film Festival!
REASON NO. 6: "Johnny Be Good" will be our new National Anthem!
REASON NO. 5: 365 Days a Year – Open Season on the Paparazzi!
REASON NO. 4: The only candidate with the Presidential Seal tattooed on his tush!
REASON NO. 3: Why trash hotel rooms when you can trash the Oval Office?
REASON NO. 2: Every 4 years – a new First Lady!

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON: He never cleaned his glasses on ANYONE'S coattails!

But don't dilly-dally, Dave, cuz time is a-wasting!

Sincerely,

JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT
By: Hard Working Depp Fan

:: Dear Mamarazzi.
:: First of all, I might have to apologize ... this is not exactly the kind of material, Johnny, you and I agreed about, I could post here.
:: But my weird wired brain sent me this dream this morning - and since I had to write it down anyway - and I think, it has its absurd, funny moments, I thought, it might be something for you and your readers ... But be warned:
:: THIS IS A DREAM!!!
:: I found myself sitting on the broad staircase looking down at the sultan´s harem -a lot of the women and young Juan de Marco was standing together in the corner, and I went to see, what it was, they were looking at :-) A beautiful cat - and three very cute kittens :-) One of the women said: "They are even cuter than you, Sweetie" and Juan smiled back, and said - with out getting his tongue tied in a knot - "They are Super-kali-fragalistix-expee-aligoesious cute :-)" - amazing ...
:: Then he turned to me, saying "Excuse me, Baby" Put Sam´s tophat on his head, and slid on his knees towards the three burly hospital´s employees, and asked "Mummy?"
:: They picked him up, and hauled him off, and I ran after - through the doors, out on the grass, and almost tripped over a sheep???
:: The three big men - former kittens? - were rapidly changing into three beautiful women ... Elizabeth Taylor, Sigourny Weaver and Marilyn, (in their prime and still alive ...) And Johnny was standing - in a very becoming short white ancient greek costume :-) and with a golden apple in his hand. Prince Paris about to be the judge in the world´s first beauty contest :-)
:: I took a step forward to tell prince Joh - Paris :-), that Aphrodite, (alias Marilyn :-) ) is indeed very gorgeous, but that Paris die young, because of his choice -when I slipped on Paris´ shepherd´s staff ...
:: I got on my feet, just to see, that all had become black and white, and the three goddesses was now three thugs about to do something nasty to poor William Blake. I wondered what to do, and said loud "I got to help him! They will ..." "Yes! Yes!" a woman`s voice said beside me "I will help him - I can see, what they want ... But your storytelling, Gabby! It land us in trouble every time ... and who has ran off with the colours?" The warrior went forward, drawing her sword, and asking "Shall we dance, boys?" Iggy Po ... I mean, the character played by Iggy Pop ;-) hurriedly pushed William forward - so he nearly impaled himself on the sword - and exclaimed "Easy, Lady! You can have him! No need to get excited ..." I hurried forward to help Will -but what now???
:: Edward Scissorhand and Freddy Krueger were fencing for all they were worth - and the three thugs were transformed into Lefty, Sunny and one more mobster, I can´t remember the name of - they were working the crowd, picking pockets and making bets! In Freddy´s favour ... I yelled at Lefty "Help him! He is your friend!! Shoot Freddy - I know, he is dead in the first place, but it might slow him down some what!"
:: "Forgetaboutit!" Lefty said "Donnie need to develop a killer instinct! He didn´t have the heart to send me in the jail, the fu .. gasie, so ..." I hadn´t the time to tell Lefty, what I really thought of him. Instead, when I realized, I still had the staff in my hand, I threw it at Freddy - and very much to my surprise - hit him squarely in the middle of the forehead, and he folded back with a "Whoof!" ...
:: Edward grabbed my hand, and dragged me off - at a quickened pace :-) And I wondered, how scissors could be so soft and warm, when I realized, Ichabod and I had just spooked Gunpowder and three other horses, who took off at high speed. "We needed those horses!" Ichabod said exasperate "We need them in order to find the Hessian´s balls" ... "Eh .." I gaped. "Ichabod!!" Katrina said behind us "There is ladies and a child present" "The-one-and-only" Masbeth didn´t look pleased being called a child. (why were we never told his first name?) But Ichabod just looked rather confused at Katrina. "Why shouldn´t I talk about balls in front of you? If I am to learn him" here he indicate Christopher Walken leaning at a three dressed in his suit from Nick of Time "to juggle, I need BALLS! Katrina" Then he turned to me "I put them in your leather knapsack - the one, we bought cheap in Denmark, last time we were there, Mavis"
:: At that moment, my head started to spin ... but at the same time, I saw fore mentioned bag hanging from a branch beside Walken´s head. So I went over to take it down, and he suddenly became Arnie Grape - grabbing both my hands, and saying cheerfully "You have to wake up! Up - up!"
:: And there I was - on the top of the water tower in Endora! Clutching at the roof and hanging on for dear life!!! I squeezed my eyes shut, and then Arnie kissed me - on the eyes and the nose, and said"Wake up, Sweetie :-) I have to go to the air-port in a minute, and you said, you wanted to say goodbye" Airport -goodbye ... and that was Johnny´s voice ... cautiously I open one eye - carefully looking up, not down ;-) "Hey, Babygirl :-) Who was that Arnie, who were not suppose to kiss you" Johnny asked with a slight frown. I told him, and "No" he said "Arnie is only allowed to kiss you in the most brother-in-lawish fashion. And Leo might not be allowed to do it all" But then he smiled, and suggested, I should write the whole dream down, so he can read or hear it tonight, because he had to go. And so he did - and now I have written it down for both him and you. And hope, you have enjoyed it a bit :-)
:: Love Mavis the Magnificently ... Silly :-)

PRIMARY COLORS: Mulberry Speaks!

Mamarazzi: "Well, hello Mulberry, and welcome aboard the team in Johnny’s bid for President! Too bad you’re not with Bush’s Presidential party, eh? I mean, 'Here We Go Round the Mulberry..."

Mulberry: "That’s a rather lame joke, Mamarazzi. I don’t think you should use that one."

Mamarazzi: "...Yeah, I see your point. OK, so, as President Pro Tem..."

Mulberry: "Pro TIM, Mamarazzi, not TEM. T-I-M, Tim."

Mamarazzi: "TIM? Tim who?"

Mulberry: "Tim BURTON, you ninny!"

Mamarazzi: "...Oh, I get it! You’re President of Pro Tim Burton, right?"

Mulberry: "You GOT it, girl! And my function as Johnny’s President Pro Tim is, of course, to PROmote more Tim Burton movies starring Johnny Dimwit...err...Depp (pardon me, I’ve been translating from German to English a little too much)."

Mamarazzi: "So, do you have any movies in mind?"

Mulberry: "Do the Kennedy women own black dresses? OF COURSE I have movies in mind! I have a whole SHITLOAD!!! Here’re some movies I’d like to see Tim Burton direct and Johnny Depp star in:

Sin Scent (A little boy whose dreams are filled with sin, to the point where he can SMELL it. Johnny still looks and acts young enough to pass for a 6-year old, don’t you think? Hard Working Depp Fan is in talks to play the role of Johnny’s mother, but she’s not very enthusiastic about it.)

Yankin’ Weenie (About a guy who...well, YOU know! This might be a real stretch for Depp, though. Major Vicki is in talks to also star in this one, as Streaker of the House, provided she gets over that awful cold she caught.)

Needle Use (Another drug-related movie for Depp. After all, you can’t have too many drug-related movies, can you? We’re going to use Perky Lurker in this one, that’s for sure!)

BratBan (A super-hero who works diligently to keep noisy, bratty children out of public restaurants. I think this MIGHT just be a BLOCKBUSTER, and you KNOW how Johnny feels about THAT, so we may have to look elsewhere for a Blockbuster Boy to play the lead.)

Ed Wed (A drama about a guy who is the worst husband of all time, because he constantly marries and then divorces...a totally new concept for Depp. We’re currently looking for a lot of beautiful women to play the various wives in this movie.)

Stars’ Knick-Knacks (A war between Hollywood stars concerning who has the best knick-knacks. We’re going to use Johnny’s 9-foot c**k, the white ape that pees, and Johnny’s fart machine! This movie should be a real GAS, and will bring out the best of Johnny’s humor! Let’s hope it’s not a flop at the box office!)

Sheep Will Follow (A comedy/horror film about a Scotland Yard detective who learns that not everyone has the courage of their convictions. A lot of people lose their heads and follow like sheep in this movie, but not Johnny! The future First Lady, Mavis Smith Depp, will play Johnny’s witty and silly love interest...a role that was MADE for her.)

FreezerBurn (Told from the point of view of a troubled fish stick. Think of it as a dark noir. Johnny would voice this one.)

Water Clown Down (Picture this: A German bassoon player who is stalked by a long-distance-swimming circus clown. This one’s still in its developmental stages, but we’re looking at John Davidson to play the circus clown.)

[Untitled] (You know how Johnny is always willing to do anything to ugly himself up? This role is his chance of a lifetime! A man whose body parts fall off throughout the duration of the movie...first a couple of fingers, then an ear, a few teeth, and so on. He attempts to hide this by using rather poorly-designed prosthetics, and the only time he can really "be himself" is in the privacy of his own home. This one is in the very early development stage.)

...and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’d also like to see Tim Burton produce an animated movie called 'The Right To Swear Before Mass,' using Johnny’s voice. We’re currently looking for a female voice as the romantic interest...someone who curses as much as Johnny...maybe Lsquared? I’m a little worried, however, that this movie will go over like a fart in church with the religious community."

Mamarazzi: "Hmmmmmm, I smell...uh, SEE your point. Well, Mulberry, looks like you’ve got your work cut out for you! Good luck! I think you’ll NEED it!"

Mamarazzi Reporting for the All Bull Corporation (ABC)

P.S. Muchas gracias to Mulberry for excellent ideas for the above interview.

Mamarazzi here, with all the news that’s NOT, on the spot! It’s Friday afternoon, November 3, 2000, and I’m interviewing my alter ego, Lsquared, regarding her recent appointment as Secretary of State under Johnny Depp’s bid for President of the United States:

Mamarazzi: So, Lsquared, congratulations!! How does it feel to be on the ticket with Johnny?

Lsquared: Excuse me a minute...Perky Lurker just purchased a very rare operatic recording for $10,000, and the guy at the flea market told her it was worth TWICE that. Do you mind if we listen to it while we talk? It’s "Bob Dylan sings Verdi Arias." Or, if you’d rather, we can put on Roseanne singing the National Anthem.

Mamarazzi: ...uh...Bob Dylan singing Verdi will be fine, I hope.

Lsquared: Excuse me for just one more minute....[Lsquared grabs a pencil and paper and begins muttering to herself]....Back to this game...let’s see...Johnny has to meet with all of us on separate days; Hard Working Depp Fan has a flaming torch in her hand; Major Vicki has a bad cold and can only meet on Saturday; Meeps’ computer at the library is broken and so she telepathically tells Johnny that she’s had another dream about Gunpowder the Horse; and Mihnnea is scheduled one day before Jess, two before Kristie, and one after Kyoko......AW, SHIT, Perky! Will you turn that f***ing music off?

Mamarazzi: Easy does it, Lsquared. I think you need a vacation, girl. How about the THREE of us head out of town RIGHT NOW and stay away the ENTIRE weekend! No computers, no politics, and no Secretary of State shit. We’ll watch Johnny videos all weekend, and Perky Lurker will see to it that we’re “one” with the world! Screw this interview, eh? We’re already packed, and Perky’s got the pills!!!

Lsquared: [Smiling broadly] You’re a real friend, Mamarazzi! And what would I do without YOU, Perky? No WONDER I love you girls so much...YOU are ME! YAAAAY!

See ya on Monday, fans! Love you, Johnny! Namaste!

Mamarazzi and her alter egos, Lsquared and Perky Lurker Reporting for the All Bull Corporation (ABC)

Lsquared: Oh, wait a minute...help me get this Campaign Button out of my pierced nipple, will you, Mamarazzi? OUCH!

Hey there, all you Suffragettes! Here's your first chance to Vote Your Conscience in the Jocular Johnny Election!

Johnny needs a Party Name which will most accurately reflect his political philosophy and bring His Message to the World!

Here are some suggestions from the Constituency - Vote for your Favorite!

The "Libation Nation" party
The "Relatio" party
The "Porkopolis" party
The "International Union of Deppites" (or the "I.U.D." party!)
The "Women for Depp" party
The "Party Party"
The "Peculiar Party"

C'mon, gang, give Sweet Johnny a good one!

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

:: Dear Mamarzzi and dear friends at Vickisburg.
:: Johnny said the sweetest thing the other night - well, he says a lot of sweet things, but some of them would make the computer blush, so ...
:: We were still talking about that crazy dream. And Johnny joked, that he was sooo tired now - seven changes of costume in one dream ... forgetaboutit ;-) and Edward Scissorhands alone takes between one or three hours - tshee :-)
:: Then the talk became a bit more serious, and I ask "What if you don´t get elected - will you be sad then ..."
:: "I am already elected" my boy stated "A-huh?" was my intelligent question ;-) "Yes" he explained (grinning a bit because of my open-mouth stare) "you, Sweetie, has elected me as yours :-) Hopefully for long"
:: "For ever and a forthnight" I told him :-) After a bit he continued "A couple of people have elected me to be their friend" Modest darling, I am having :-) It is more than a couple!
:: "And some other people have elected me as the one, they want to be fan of - understand it, if you can ..." I can :-) And I told him so :-) Claiming "for ever and a fortnight" was too short a time :-)And proved it by ... no, this is not my computer, so it better stay grey, instead of shocked pink - shocking pink, I meant ;-)
:: But isn´t he just sweet :-))) ... Johnny yells "No!!!" in the background, but you shan´t listen to him :-)
:: Love Mavis.

Dear Mamarazzi.
I met this woman last night at a big .. whatever :-) And she complained to me about Johnny´s attitude to this and that and the other ... Exactly the things, you at Vickisburg and I here love him for :-) He was too rebellious ... said his opinion straight out - yes, of course! What else? Didn´t associate himself with the right people. Meaning, the ones, he does associate with is too poor - too out on the edge of "normal" society for one reason or another ... I tried to be patient and diplomatic - I really did ... Then she started in on me. Was I totally satisfied with my nutrition expert and personal trainer? I almost said "What kind of starfish?" Then I realized, she meant, I am fat ... and yes, I am. After Hollywood and Washington standard, that is :-) She, on the other hand, looked like she was Barbie´s mum! And that dress, she continued - and I should try her hairdresser/make-up expert. He was a treasure! Here I gave up, and told her to take the whole thing up with Johnny - right over there, Ma´m :-) He has chosen both the attitudes, the dress and the woman inside! She didn´t talk to him :-))) But in one thing, I do agree with her - he smokes too much ... And we have talked about it. I don´t mind him smoking, when he is relaxed and happy :-) But when he uses it to calm himself down for one reason or another, I, with his blessing :-) tries to come between the cigarette and him, if I am there - getting him to talk to me instead - kissing me and such nice things :-) ..... but one day, he might, out of old habit - and purely by mistake, I am sure :-) - light me instead ... And not notice it till I yell FIRE!!! Love Mavis :-)

This sure is a loud computer ..... Johnny heard that FI .. eh :-) ... fire ;-) in the other room, and came to see, what was wrong .... :-)

Good morning, Mavis!

It's nice to see your smiling face after my weekend away!! (-:

That woman you met last night at the big...whatever...was it Toad Rivers by any chance?

Maybe you could get Johnny to cut down on the cigs by singing, "Come on baby, light MY fire." I know he could get ME to cut down on the cigs by singing that to ME (and I wouldn't care if he can't carry a tune...as long as he can carry me into the bedroom!). In THAT case, neither ONE of us would have time to smoke...cigs, that is!

Of course, you realize that I am merely jesting, my dear Mavis, since we all know that Johnny's heart and et cetera belong to you!

Your giggling humble servant,
Mamarazzi

:: Smoooooking!!! post, that is ;-)
:: The woman last night didn´t present herself - very impolite in every way, I think! But it does sound like her ... Well :-) Let´s leave any names out of it - that way we can´t get sued for slander :-)
:: As for you and Johnny - well .... that you have to discuss with him!
:: Only ... he has a bad back at the moment. He fell out of the bed the other night - because I tickled him, Ì´m afraid :-) So could you please walk - where ever :-)
:: Love Mavis.

Jumping in while I can, LOL...time to "fix up" Johnny's bad back with my "magical" hands! Think a 2-hour massage should do it?
Take care,
Mystique (Kristie)

:: Oh, do try to get us in your schedule, dear Mystique! If Johnny is suppose to lift "the heavy burden of government" everybody are talking about at the moment, he can´t go around mumbling "Auch" every time he lifts something heavier than his coffee cup .....
:: I have just been told by my dear husband, that I am a first class "exaggerator" :-) That´s the first time I am a "first class" .. anything :-) ... Oh, I am also a first class sweetie pie :-) Ooooh, Johnny :-))) But, please, Mystique! Let´s hear from you :-)
:: Love Mavis.

GASP, GASP!! I finally snuck out when he was in the bathroom. I guess my hands are a little too good because he held me hostage (not that I minded too much but I was getting a little tired). For starters, I had to take an involved medical history but didn't find out much. I explained that he needed to get undressed and get under the sheets to which he immediately started stripping right away ("you might want to wait until I leave the room for you to get undressed"...men tend to do this). Before I left the room, we discussed "focus" areas and I knew I would have to do some glut (ass) work because he also fell on his butt. I had him lie on his stomach so I could concentrate on his butt...oops, I meant back. I turned on Native American music and lit some sage. When I went to tuck the sheet into his underwear, surprise...no underwear. I got creative and started the massage. Every muscle was defined but not as "tense" as I thought he would be to which he replied "it's great to have a Mavis around to keep the laughter around" and I agreed. To work out the sore spots, I had to dig my fist deep in his butt checks but it apparently worked. He loved the "sweetness" which is running the forearm from the shoulder down to the buttocks and then stretching out the back on the return (basically, the other hand on the butt and pulling away with the forearm). He is definitely ticklish because he almost jumped off the table when I worked on his feet. I made a "tent" and he flipped over (almost fell off the table but I caught him just in time). He needed to have a towel for the lower area because my touch was a little too good (poor guy was all embarrassed but I told him no biggy, it happens all the time) When I finished working on the abdomen to loosen up the "6-pack", I found a nasty deep cut above his left shoulder to which he replied "he almost lost his head on that one". After working on the neck area, I noticed that I was way over an hour and let him know and he just told me to keep going. I was careful not to soften the sharp cheekbones when I worked on his face and thank god he didn't cut off his hair because one of my specialties are the "hair pull" which loosens the small muscles of the hair and since almost loosing his head scared the crap out of him, those little muscles needed work as well (yes, this is true...arrector pilli). I told him to come out when he was dressed and we'll talk about how the massage went. He came out after a while and he took me to the pool. We talked about how he felt, had a drink, and a smoke (gotta keep the "fire" in my fingers). He asked me what else can I do and, every time I gave him examples of the other type of spa related things I can do, he had me back in room for another hour. Soon I lost track of what I had done so I couldn't even work out a price to charge...plus between every type of therapy, he would take me back to the pool and make sure I had enough of whatever I needed so I found it very hard to even mention money. He just wanted the works like seaweed wraps, aroma therapy, you name it he wanted it but I had to put my foot down when he said he wanted to try waxing. I knew it was time to "attempt" to leave when I saw a naked woman running up the driveway and Mavis told him it was time to go to the bathroom. That was the best "hostage" situation I had ever been in!!

Take care! Love, Mystique

: Oh, poor Mystique ... been in many hostage situations, have you? So you can compare, I mean ;-)? And I did certainly NOT tell him to go to the bathroom! He is a big boy, and do that sort of things all on his own ;-) I told him, that if he wanted a bath, before we had to go the party, he better do it now, since we were running a bit late :-) A totally different thing :-)))
:: Well - now I have got the teasing out of my system - at least for the moment ;-) I should tell you, Johnny is very sorry. He had such a wonderful time, that he forgot all about money :-) There is a fat check in the mail for you, and our thanks in this post :-) Mine too - he need to be very fit for this Foreign Legion business. I do wish, it was the band "Foreign Legion" he had joined!
:: Anyway - thank you, Mystique, for undoing my "damage" :-)
:: Love Mavis.

No longer on the QT!!! Thanks to our VP, and a host of VIP's, Johnny's Party is the I.U.D.!!! Glad to see no one was MIA, or we might have been picked up by the MP, and then we'd all be put on KP!

The battle for a party name was a dead heat, but it looks like I.U.D. has won by a nose! (Now there's a distasteful thought!)

Speaking of distasteful: Remember, gang, the next time Johnny passes by, let's all break out in a rousing rendition of "Hail to the Chief!" And ladies, be sure to sing from your diaphragms.

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000!

Campaign Headquarters is shocked to make the following announcement:

Johnny Depp, the Prime Presidential Pick, announced today from Paris that he plans to WITHDRAW FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL PREAKNESS!!!

An Election Day destined for delights and debacles began as Johnny emerged from his fashionable flat on the Rue de Depp. Arm-in-arm with the delectable Mavis Smith Depp, Johnny was resplendent in red-and-white striped trousers; a blue, star-spangled morning coat; and a red, white and blue top hat.

No sooner had he set foot on the Rue, however, than who should appear but Juniper Pearl! who, together with Brother Benny, was in town doing a little Smail Shopping.

"Joon???!!!" Johnny gasped, his brown eyes wide. "SAM???!!!" Joon cried, recognizing her faithful housekeeper. "Er, UNCLE Sam today, ma'am," Johnny smiled, tipping his top hat. "Forgive me, Love, but I'm on my way to cast my absentee ballot and, as you can see, I'm double-parked."

Bidding Joon adieu, Johnny led Miss Mavis to the boulevard where that pesky nag, Gunpowder, was indeed double-parked. behind Mavis, Johnny caught sight of E! Entertainment's own Toad Rivers, recently recovered from her Ordeal on the Island! As the Toad pushed her obnoxious way through the milling throng, Johnny advised, "Quicken pace, young Masbeth!" "Mavis," corrected his Delectable Dane.

Arriving at the polling place just in the Nick of Time, Johnny was stunned to find his Cabinet members milling about in abject confusion. Each having misinterpreted Mihneea's "Johnny Goes to the White House" riddle, all had arrived in Paris on the same day!

What was worse, HWDF was duking it out with mulberry for suggesting she appear in the film "Sin Scent" ... as Johnny's mother! Major Vicki's cold (contracted as Streaker of the House) had deteriorated, and she was now tooling around town in a white-sidewalled iron lung. And Lsquared's Johnny Campaign Button, now permanently lodged in her left pierced nipple, was turning a delightful shade of puce. To top it all off, President of Vices, Perky Lurker, had once again fallen off the campaign wagon, and was now rolling in the gutter, all et up on E.

Shaking his head, Johnny entered the voting booth and studied the ballot. He was about to try for the Daily Double on Leading Ladies for $100, when he decided he Don Juan to make it complicated, and simply gave the Depp/Lurker ticket his de Marco.

Emerging with a smile and wave for his constituency, Johnny was delighted to see his favorite paparazzi, Mamarazzi, freshly released from Comedy Rehab. Before Big Mama could pose her first Quirky Question, however, she was briskly pushed aside by a burly Army Recruiter.

"Johnny Depp?" the Recruiter asked.

"None other," Johnny replied.

"Jacques Chirac sends his Greetings," the Recruiter announced, handing Johnny his Commission.

With Mavis looking on, Our Hero broke the seal, unrolled the scroll . . . and stared in stunned disbelief!

JOHNNY HAS BEEN DRAFTED . . .

INTO THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION!!!!!

And when duty calls, Johnny answers! "As honored as I am to be running for the U.S. Presidency," he announced, "I am also eager to serve my newly-adopted country as well! It is therefore with great regret that I must withdraw from the Election."

So there you have it, folks! Our Boy reports to his Local Recruiter first thing in the A.M.

But . . . how will Johnny fare in the military?

Guess we'll have to get the Lowdown from the First Lady of the Legion - the Marvelous Mavis!

And for Sweet Mihneea:

Non piu andrai, farfallone amoroso, Notte e giorno d'intorno girando, Delle belle turbando il riposo, Narcisetto, Adoncino d'amor!

:: Dear Mamarazzi ... Dear Friends :-)
:: That was something of a change ... Yesterday I might have become first lady of the U.S of A - today I sit here in Aubagne, where the legion has its headquarter, and am not sure, if I am coming or going ... or just sitting :-)
:: I am up to my ears in boxes filled with all kind of stuff, we wanted to bring. And then it turned out at the gate to the Legion´s training camp, that Johnny was not allowed to bring much - including such a personal item as a wife, so we said our goodbyes out there :-)
:: And I wanted to crawl up and hide in his pocket ... I´m so scared!!! Something might happen to him, Mamarazzi ..... I know :-) I ought to think positive - Maybe I´m just hu(wo)man ... and love him :-)
:: Oh, by the way - while I remember it :-) We had a wonderful time at the party last night, didn´t we :-) ? But when Johnny and I left late this morning, Perky was still sleeping it off in the small guestroom - could you have some one pick her up and bring her home safely? The key are at the concierge :-)
:: Love Mavis.

My Dear Ex-Almost-First Lady Mavis!

The U.S. of A. is in total disarray today, and no one seems to know what to say. How can I relay my dismay? So, I'm away to Biscayne Bay, to sip a cafe au lait (and maybe have a roll in the hay), then check my computer display in a heartfelt way for the possibility of foul play!

Never fear! Shed not a tear! Mamarazzi is near, my dear, you hear? I will persevere until it’s crystal clear (but first I must get a cervical smear).

Your ever-faithful servant, Mamarazzi

:: It is certainly a comfort to know, that you faithful will show :-) .... oh?

:: Love Mavis.

This whole Country's out of step
Told folks they should vote for Depp!
Right now we'd be making hay
Instead of waiting one more day
To see if we'll be Bush'd or Gore'd -
This outcome sure has voters floored!
So no recount of the Florida region -
Let's rescue Johnny from the Foreign Legion!

My Johnny is ho ... eh, sorry :-)
Dear Mamarazzi.
I am delirious - Johnny came home a couple of hours ago (and we have been celebrating ;-) ) Now I just want to tell you at Vickisburg, what happened, and then I am going to abducted him :-) Yes, my Sweet :-) Mavis the Merciless is going to kidnap poor little sweet, innocent, defenseless, tshee-hee, tickling Johnny Depp, and drag him off to his mother-in-laws´ house in wet, windy, cold Denmark! Oh :-) He liked that :-) He claims, my mother tells the dirtiest jokes in Europa :-) ... o.k. - I have promised to tell the truth in these post, so I will let that stand :-) Early this morning, Johnny and about twenty other new recruit was lined up in two rows on the parade ground of the Legion´s training camp here in Aubagne ... And a drill-sergeant by the (impossible) name of Alexander Hannibal Napoleon Jarvis (Johnny swears, that the man called himself that... ;-) ) was really chewing them out - telling them, what worthless pieces of scum, they were. But then suddenly -"pheeeeft!" "Who was that?" the sergeant barked "Eh .. me, Sir. Sorry, Sir" The sergeant glowered and growled, but then started in again on the men. When he had got the steam back up, and was starting to really enjoying himself "Phrooooeeepht" "What!?!" The sergeant was ready for some Valium right about now. "Sorry, Sir. Me again, I am afraid. Mavis served beans last night and "SHUT UP" yes, Sir. Of course, Sir" (the fact, that he had been in the camp last night, seems to have escape Johnny here ... oh :-) That earned me a kiss and a sorry :-))) Johnny is home wibdælp - yes, I will go on :-) ) All was military peace and quiet for a while, but then the sergeant wanted to show the new recruits around the camp. At a run, in double time of course - and he started telling them, how his old grandmother could run much faster. Now Johnny felt insulted on the old lady´s behalf - the thought of the old lady being yelled at like this, and having to run so fast in the pouring rain irked him, so "poooooopheeeeft" (Johnny was rather proud of that one :-) ) That was too much - one too many, you might say ;-) So two MPs marched Johnny off to the jail, where he asked - politely of course ;-) "Could I have my one phone call, please? Mavis promised to keep the cell-phone on" He couldn´t - imagined that ... but a little later, he was taken to see the cam pleader. Who told Johnny, the whole thing had been a misunderstanding from the beginning - you can´t get drafted into the French Foreign Legion, it seems. It is all voluntarily. But the Legion had been expecting a guy called J.C. Dapp, and thought that Johnny was him - that somebody had made a spelling error. But now that man had turned up, and considering, the Legion couldn´t have a soldier around, who made the other men laugh, and the sergeant foam around the mouth, would Johnny very much mind a discharge (an ambiguous discharge, Johnny calls it :-) ) And Johnny didn´t mind - didn´t consider himself cut out to be a soldier anyway. So they parted on the best of terms, and Johnny is home with me :-))) Johnny won´t tell me, how he got the offending gizmo into camp - mumbled something about imitating Bon Bon ... ooooh, that sounds positively UNcomfortable - my poor baby ... tshee :-) Now - I wonder, who send the man with the draft papers ... a nervous fellow candidate, who wanted to get rid of Johnny. Or - as Johnny thinks - a practical joke, by one of our friends, that went a little too far, because Johnny "went for it" -"Frankly, my dear. I don´t give a damn" :-) Johnny is home with me :-))) Yes, I am silly, Baby? Haven´t you figured that out before now ;-)? Dense Depp, eh, Mamarzzi :-) Tshee-hee :-))) (and still tickling ;-) ) The only thing I am sorry about, is the people, who supported Johnny in vain - but we must try to help them in other ways then! And we probably wouldn´t have moved to Washington anyway :-) Please just thank the people at your end from us, Mamarazzi, and say, we are sorry, it became an Election Interuptous. A bit more celebration - yahoo :-))) and then we will take a northbound train from Marseille, and head for some Danish frikade ... meatballs :-)
Love the coockie Danish Coockie Mavis.

N.B. And Johnny sends his love too.

GAME

Hello, dear fans! Let's help Johnny to become a president! He needs us! He trusts us! That's why he will make us some great job offers to support him.

Let's see what can we find out about his intentions! He posted on Vicki's bbs a message which lets us know about his plans about hiring us. Not all of us, but nine:

-Vicki herself
-Hard Working Depp Fan
-Lsquared
-Kyoko
-Jess
-Kristie
-Meeps
-Patricia
-And me, Mihneea
(Could be any fan, don't be upset if you don't see your name here, please!)

He'll offer us one of these jobs:

-Campaign Manager (CM)
-Spokesman (S)
-Personal Secretary (PS)
-Adviser (A)
-Press Relationship (PR)
-and Public Imagine Crew (four fans!)--(PIC)

He will have a busy week, because he wants to finish till Saturday! (The first meeting with a fan will be on Monday!) Each of us will be scheduled on one specific day, except the four fans from P.I.C. who will meet Johnny on the same day. In order to know sooner what job will have each of us, Vicki organizes a big chat and we put together the information we already know.

There are nine information...
1.For the last three days, Johnny makes appointments with A, PR and PS.
2. Kyoko told him that she won't be there till Thursday morning, but starting with that day she can meet him. Mihneea will come on Tuesday evening and Jess on Monday (also evening).
3.As a S., Johnny wants a very young girl.
4.Johnny has already asked Vicki if she wants to help him with the press.
5.The CM is scheduled one day before the S. and two before Patricia.
6.The four ladies from PIC will have an appointment on Wednesday.
7.Kristie will meet Johnny before the A. and Lsquared after Jess, on consecutive days.
8.Meeps is scheduled after the A. and Vicki.
9.Hard Working Depp Fan will have a long conversation face-to-face with Johnny, because of her important job.

After the chat, each of us tries hard to find out on which day will meet Johnny and why, then prepare themselves very serious!

So, work hard, dear fans! :-)
See what Johnny has prepared for you!

Mihneea *_*

(This jobs have no connection with those "proposed" by HWDF in her game!)

Hi Mihneea! First, in answer to your question, "How was your weekend"....OCD up the yin/yang!!! (-: (-:

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. A is to meet on Thursday, PR is to meet on Friday, and PS is to meet on Saturday.

2. Kyoko can meet with Johnny on Thursday, so she is A; Mihneea can meet with Johnny on Wednesday; and Jess can meet with Johnny on Tuesday.

3. Johnny wants a very young girl as S.

4. Vicki will be Johnny’s PR, so she will meet on Friday.

5. The CM is scheduled 1 day before the S and 2 before Patricia, so the CM must meet on Mon, the S must meet on Tue (so that makes Jess the S), and Patricia must meet on Wed.

6. The PIC group of 4 will meet on Wednesday, so Mihneea and Patricia are two of the 4 PICs.

7. Kristie will meet Johnny before the A (A is scheduled on Thu), and Lsquared will meet Johnny after Jess (Tue), so Kristie is one of the PICs and Lsquared is one of the PICs to meet on Wednesday.

8. Meeps is scheduled after the A and Vicki. A is on Thursday, and Vicki is PR on Friday, so Meeps is PS and she is scheduled for Saturday.

9.HWDF has an important job, so she is CM and she meets with Johnny on Monday.

RECAP: Monday: CM: HWDF
Tuesday: S: Jess
Wednesday: PIC: Minheea, Patricia, Kristie, Lsquared
Thursday: A: Kyoko
Friday: PR: Vicki
Saturday: PS: Meeps

WHOOOOEEEE! That was challenging and fun! Am I correct in my logic?

Namaste!
Lsquared

Yes, Lsquared, you solved it! Your message is clear and wonderful!! Congratulations! You are on my winner's list!

And while they're fiddling around in Florida, Campaign Headquarters would like to take this opportunity to extend its thanks to the cast of this opera buffa:

Not since "Sybil" and "Three Faces of Eve" has one person been so many! Let's hear it for Lsquared, our esteemed Secretary of State, and her alter-egos Mamarazzi (our Roving Reporter) and Perky Lurker (our President of Vices). Perky, apparently under the influence of campaign hysteria, admits that she was confused by her ballot and accidentally voted for Pat Boone. Muchas gracias for the rollicking reportage and the colorful characters!

Also showing signs of multiple personality was our fantastic First Lady, the Magnificent Meeps (sometimes known as Mavis). Next time you head for bed, Love, rest assured that you have the whole globe giggling! Thanks for the inside scoop on Life with Johnny, and for keeping Our Boy from the clutches of Monica. And when the dust settles, Campaign Headquarters will provide both you and Lsquared with the services of an Exorcist.

Merci Beaucoup to Major Vicki, First Citizen of Vickisburg and temporary Streaker of the House! A thousand thanks for playing along and promoting this project. Thanks in particular for compiling "The Charter," promoting our Button, and featuring our Poster in the Newsletter. Campaign Headquarters is pleased to report that Major Vicki is now out of the iron lung and Back on the Board, with Johnny colors flying!

Thanks also to the new kid on the block, Miss Mulberry, who hit the ground running as our President Pro Tim (Burton)! Campaign Headquarters has it on good authority that Mulberry contributed some fantastically creative ideas for her official interview with Mamarazzi. Glad to have you On Board, and hope to be seeing more of you in the future!!!

And let's not forget our Riddler-Extra ordinaire, the Marvelous Mihneea! Mihneea was a little apprehensive at first, confessing that she was not overly-familiar with the U.S. political system. Once she realized that we're just as confused over here, she outdid herself with the wonderful "Johnny Goes to the White House." Whether or not this problem has been successfully solved remains to be seen (as does the outcome of the "real" election!) The country has spoken...but what did we say??? At any rate, thanks Mihneea!

And last, but certainly not least, the mysterious "Mystique", who offered our Candidate and Cabinet her services in our most desperate hour! Thanks, Kristie!

And now a question: Should the Democratic hopeful actually dance at his inauguration, will he display his inimitable "AlGore-rhythms"? Or simply fold an order an Anheuser Bush???

DEPP IN THE YEAR 2000...2001...2002...2003.........!!!!!!!!!

And let’s give homage and huge and heartfelt hand clapping to Hard Working Depp Fan who, despite horrendous hardship, happily held on as Headquarters for our hogwash!

Thanks, HWDF, it wouldn't have happened without you!

Namaste!
Lsquared, Mamarazzi and Perky Lurker